Remembering My OLd Man

November 11, 1998, people accompanied us from bringing him to his resting place, some of them I knew, lawyers mostly, and staffs from the agency where he used to work, all came to see him and paid their last last respect for a person whom I knew since I was still a babe. Long and lonely years, 12 years to be exact since he was gone for good, suddenly the house seems so quiet, no more strong and loud laughters, no more reminders or asking "do you love me", or the kiss which we would refused to give since we were big enough and seems awkward especially we were all grown-ups, " nahuya na ko mag kiss kay tigulang na ko", so I would ask my little ones to do it for me, "hay si Tatay daw ulianon, dako na ko ya". Sometimes he would take your hand and asks you to dance with him even when there is no music for accompaniment, every birthday he would sing his favorite song from his favorite film the "sound of Music", the Edel Wise, I don't know I never want to learn it anyway, but he never forgets birthdays, he would always prepare for it, spaghetti, pansit or whatever, it was always special for him. He likes singing or humming songs, the Cascades was his favorite, Barbara Streisand, Edgar Alan Poe...etc...he made his own poems I remember one, only the title...Broken Dreams ( he was broken hearted for sure ). Once I saw a guy suddenly collapsed just near the house, an epileptic, everyone on the street run and laughed, I hid behind the gate and I saw a man helping him, and I uttered to myself, "ayteh malatnan gid na siya sang pagkakuyapon ka tawo" , ( I thought the man who helped was stupid because I thought epilepsy was contagious, the man helped the guy to stand up after five minutes and he helped him sat on the post of the streetlight, and I got the shock of my life when I saw who the stupid guy turned out to be, my father, my own father, I was young then I don't know what to say, but now I understand, I should have been proud from that kind of deed. He was a different lawyer, he washed his own clothes, he never asks us to do it for him, he can cook, and if it turns out bad he can order pizza, he trims our nails, he can be drunk most of the times but he never forgets his a good father. I hated his friends when they come to the house and drink beer, I hated him even more when he plays dominoes because he was losing big amount sometimes. When I eloped with the man whom I thought would love me ,I never thought of the pain I had given him, I did not care I was selfish then, a very selfish young brat, still he accepted me and my man in his abode, he took care of us and even loved me more. I still remember, December 26, 1993 I was having a hard time delivering my first born when suddenly the lights went out because of the storms, he rushed into the delivery room and once inside he said "Day ari si Tatay", ( My girl, father is here), I stopped from pushing and instead smiled , the doctor was surprised how he was able to come in, it was one incident that always made me cry, that baby of mine ,his favorite grandchild, maybe because they say he looks like my eldest brother. He had him baptized on his birthday, April 5 and he was there too. He would held my son's hand and every afternoon they would take a walk and sit by the basketball court, everynight he never failed to utter and say "I love you" to him. He had adored my Dindin so much, and I remembered so well when I discovered that I was pregnant and Dindin was barely 7 months and I hated myself so much that I tried getting rid of that pregnancy but God forbade. When I delivered my 2nd child and was inside the ward room he came to visit and upon seeing me in that crowded and very hot room he told me and my husband to transfer to a private room but I refused since I told him my delivery was a " PACKAGE DEAL" bases, I saw tears falling from his eyes, I knew he took pity on me and my baby by the mere sight of me and my baby in a crowded and very hot room, he was hurting because he knew I was not comfortable, and because he loved me so much that all he wanted was to see me and my kids living a much comfortable life. Then again for the nth time I was pregnant, these time I took the courage to tell my sister, still remember it we were walking with his co-teachers when I told her the news that I was heavy with a child again, she consoled and told me that who knows maybe it was gonna be a girl this time, well I tried to smile but in my heart I was so ashamed, when I got home and told him about it, he simply uttered that it was better to have babies then abort them. Well he shed a much bigger amount with my third child since it was a caesarian delivery and I was in a suite no more ward room, the room was cold and it can heal the whatever they did to my tummy fast. I was lucky, he was unlucky to have me as a daughter because I matured slow, I was very dependent on him, when he was bedridden due to canser of the lungs he often reminded me not to cry when he goes away, well I kept my promise I shed no tears when his coffin was buried to the ground, but I regretted keeping that promise I could have cried there and then, simply because even now I still cry, too much for regrets, he had taught me a lot, he had given me chances which I wasted, he had given me much which I never appreciated, he had loved me so much which I failed to acknowledged, I am hurting but I knew and I am proud to say that old man of mine had given me so much that had taught me to become a more better person. I surely am missing him too much, but life with him had given me more reasons to go on, to move on, to live a better life and to love more without expecting much in return, that is the kind of love that i learned from my old man. I love you Tatay... till we meet again.