Remembering My OLd Man

November 11, 1998, people accompanied us from bringing him to his resting place, some of them I knew, lawyers mostly, and staffs from the agency where he used to work, all came to see him and paid their last last respect for a person whom I knew since I was still a babe. Long and lonely years, 12 years to be exact since he was gone for good, suddenly the house seems so quiet, no more strong and loud laughters, no more reminders or asking "do you love me", or the kiss which we would refused to give since we were big enough and seems awkward especially we were all grown-ups, " nahuya na ko mag kiss kay tigulang na ko", so I would ask my little ones to do it for me, "hay si Tatay daw ulianon, dako na ko ya". Sometimes he would take your hand and asks you to dance with him even when there is no music for accompaniment, every birthday he would sing his favorite song from his favorite film the "sound of Music", the Edel Wise, I don't know I never want to learn it anyway, but he never forgets birthdays, he would always prepare for it, spaghetti, pansit or whatever, it was always special for him. He likes singing or humming songs, the Cascades was his favorite, Barbara Streisand, Edgar Alan Poe...etc...he made his own poems I remember one, only the title...Broken Dreams ( he was broken hearted for sure ). Once I saw a guy suddenly collapsed just near the house, an epileptic, everyone on the street run and laughed, I hid behind the gate and I saw a man helping him, and I uttered to myself, "ayteh malatnan gid na siya sang pagkakuyapon ka tawo" , ( I thought the man who helped was stupid because I thought epilepsy was contagious, the man helped the guy to stand up after five minutes and he helped him sat on the post of the streetlight, and I got the shock of my life when I saw who the stupid guy turned out to be, my father, my own father, I was young then I don't know what to say, but now I understand, I should have been proud from that kind of deed. He was a different lawyer, he washed his own clothes, he never asks us to do it for him, he can cook, and if it turns out bad he can order pizza, he trims our nails, he can be drunk most of the times but he never forgets his a good father. I hated his friends when they come to the house and drink beer, I hated him even more when he plays dominoes because he was losing big amount sometimes. When I eloped with the man whom I thought would love me ,I never thought of the pain I had given him, I did not care I was selfish then, a very selfish young brat, still he accepted me and my man in his abode, he took care of us and even loved me more. I still remember, December 26, 1993 I was having a hard time delivering my first born when suddenly the lights went out because of the storms, he rushed into the delivery room and once inside he said "Day ari si Tatay", ( My girl, father is here), I stopped from pushing and instead smiled , the doctor was surprised how he was able to come in, it was one incident that always made me cry, that baby of mine ,his favorite grandchild, maybe because they say he looks like my eldest brother. He had him baptized on his birthday, April 5 and he was there too. He would held my son's hand and every afternoon they would take a walk and sit by the basketball court, everynight he never failed to utter and say "I love you" to him. He had adored my Dindin so much, and I remembered so well when I discovered that I was pregnant and Dindin was barely 7 months and I hated myself so much that I tried getting rid of that pregnancy but God forbade. When I delivered my 2nd child and was inside the ward room he came to visit and upon seeing me in that crowded and very hot room he told me and my husband to transfer to a private room but I refused since I told him my delivery was a " PACKAGE DEAL" bases, I saw tears falling from his eyes, I knew he took pity on me and my baby by the mere sight of me and my baby in a crowded and very hot room, he was hurting because he knew I was not comfortable, and because he loved me so much that all he wanted was to see me and my kids living a much comfortable life. Then again for the nth time I was pregnant, these time I took the courage to tell my sister, still remember it we were walking with his co-teachers when I told her the news that I was heavy with a child again, she consoled and told me that who knows maybe it was gonna be a girl this time, well I tried to smile but in my heart I was so ashamed, when I got home and told him about it, he simply uttered that it was better to have babies then abort them. Well he shed a much bigger amount with my third child since it was a caesarian delivery and I was in a suite no more ward room, the room was cold and it can heal the whatever they did to my tummy fast. I was lucky, he was unlucky to have me as a daughter because I matured slow, I was very dependent on him, when he was bedridden due to canser of the lungs he often reminded me not to cry when he goes away, well I kept my promise I shed no tears when his coffin was buried to the ground, but I regretted keeping that promise I could have cried there and then, simply because even now I still cry, too much for regrets, he had taught me a lot, he had given me chances which I wasted, he had given me much which I never appreciated, he had loved me so much which I failed to acknowledged, I am hurting but I knew and I am proud to say that old man of mine had given me so much that had taught me to become a more better person. I surely am missing him too much, but life with him had given me more reasons to go on, to move on, to live a better life and to love more without expecting much in return, that is the kind of love that i learned from my old man. I love you Tatay... till we meet again.

GROWING OLD WITH MY THREE BOYS

Now that im 41 years old lots of things changed, my sleeping habit, my eating habit has become a hobby, from 3 meals a day now it increased to 5, and the worst part I cant't sleep without finishing a glass of coke. I don't exercise but if you see me suddenly looking thin it's just I had been finishing lots of projects for my tutees, my tutees and not my boys, what I mean by it, my sons. Now that my Dindin will be on his senior year coming June Im just praying and hoping he can come up with passing grades so that I can march for his graduation, my DJ on his junior year I hope he can be patient learning the figures and numbers when it comes to his elective in Math, and of course my little Onei who will be a freshman student Im excited but scared as well. The three of them will be in high school this opening school year and coping up with the finances I leave it all to the Lord as my real provider, I just hope that my voice won't be irritated when I have to wake them up in the morning since Onei is my real problem in terms of waking up early in the morning, with DJ, his the cook ,he knows his responsibility with the alarm of the clock he just wakes up and cook the rice courtesy of the rice cooker, with Dindin you have to wait for him to finish his bath for almost half an hour and if it gots worst he can stay on the bathroom for forty five minutes, and when they all finished their breakfast it seems you want to go back to bed again honestly I sometimes go to bed again hehehe....and then they have to kiss me before they go to school. Now that they're all grown ups I tend to get nostalgic everytime my Dindin combs his hair, Im not boasting but if he can sleep early everynight and gain more weight he is really goodlooking, I remember the first time I knew he had a girlfriend older than him, I can't get mad but have to accept the fact that it is very normal and I can't suppress his emotions, hurray...more hurrays it ended after one year, then I saw the second and the third girlfriend, well its still normal but I will be an abnormal mother if he comes home and tells me he will leave me for his girfriend, sad to say I had done that to my father, I pray "Oh God spare my sons from being like me when they fall in love...please...please". But I know four more years my two sons whose beside me in bed will eventually leave the room and decide to have their own, and then one day they will stop kissing me when they go, and they will be whispering their secrets, now they're starting to do it, and my Dindin will hide his cellphone where I won't find it. At times I felt so tired of raising my kids alone the only consolation I can get is seeing their faces because they are all goodlooking well it's the only thing I'm grateful to their father, they have his eyes, cheeks and nose, at least they got his looks. Having my three sons made me feel a complete woman, I think I had raised them well because they don't talk that much even if Im the gabby type of person, i thought them that men should be different from women, men should talk less and if they talk it should comes with sincerity, I plead them not to fool girls who will fall for them and never to take advantage of others kindness, I know sometimes they are lazy and they would play computer then spend time fixing or cleaning the house, but I'm still thankful because the mere look of my angry eyes they would understand...the raising of my voice means they forget to do something that I asked them to do, and the good thing is a nice movie on HBO is a good bonding for us everynight, having them in my bed makes me feel happy, seeing them talking to each other about the latest music makes me feel good, and seeing them helping each others homeworks because I'm too tired after doing homeworks for some of my tutees makes me proud of them. They are my source of strength, my priorities, my life, marrying their father might be a mistake, I had my misgivings and he had his, but I always tell my sons a good man is one who respects the dignity of a woman, no matter what her status is , whether she is the president or she is a prostitute, every woman has her own story to tell, and we can't judge her for her mistakes, a good man never raises her voice or calls a woman foul names, and a real man works hard to earn and share it with the worthy ones, and that success is not base on how much you have, but on how you treat your least fortunate brothers. I always remind my sons to remember their date with the Lord every Sundays, before when I pray at night I would always seek the Lord's knowledge that he can help me with my sons education since I don't have a fix income but now as they grow older the only thing I ask the Lord is that when they wake up every morning they will think and thank Him and they will continue saying graces before and after meals, and that they will have the faith and courage to face life with a good heart and too much fear from their Creator. I brought my sons pains that I never hate to admit and I always asked for their forgiveness at night when I go to sleep, and in my heart I will always be grateful that are starting to understand the mistakes that I had with my past, truly growing old with them scares me no more, and when the day will come that they have to live their own life I must say I had done my part, loving and raising them was the best part of my life.

A BITTER START FOR A BETTER LIFE

My parents separated when i was very young, it was quite painful. That pain was with me and I carried it all the way until I become a mother myself, and I got separated too after thirteen years of marriage to my only boyfriend who was ten years older than me. I was depressed as the psychiatrist described it as " Masked depression", I lost my job, I lost the house which I had paid for years through salary deduction, I left my sons I thought I had lost everything the worst thing is I lost the feeling of being a mother to my sons, my 3 sons. I got married at the age of 19 , my eldest son was born after 4 years , then the two boys came with a gap of one year. Life was really so hard for me not knowing on how to become a mother to my sons, since i grew up not having my own mother beside me but when my eldest was born my first achievement was being able to compose a lullaby for him.... I would sing it for him, for them when they were babies. i never wanted to be separated from their father or they would grew up not having their father beside them, I never wanted to end that marriage... but sometimes as the song says...Some good things never last....When I left my kids under the care of my in laws I felt I was relieved from heavy responsibilities, like I was free, free from the burden of waking up in the morning dressing and preparing them to school. At last I was by myself, I can go where I want to go without having to think about them, I would only see them during weekends and return them on Sundays. But after awhile I begin to remember my father, my father who took good care of us, 5 children with different personalities, him being alone even if he dropped and sulked himself with beer anytime he wants to, yet he was their for us, he never left us, he pretended to be strong for us even at night he calls his own mothers name for help. My father made everything possible, he was never an ideal father but the truth was he thought me the best lesson in life..".no matter how hard life can be when your alone raising your kids...never forget to say you need help from your Creator, pray, pray, patience and more patience, the best love you can give your children is the love that comes from heaven....from the heart. I brought home my youngest with me after one year of separation, then the second and the eldest was home when he finished his elementary. When they were all back into my arms it was like starting over again, i nagged them about grades about household chores, about their playing computer habits, yet I am trying my best to be a good mother for them, the best part of growing up with them is knowing i know and I am ready to face my fears. I don't have a stable job that can give them the comforts in life but I am proud that they never asked me to buy them the latest trend in shoes or shirts or pants, and that's the best part for a mother who has no budget for such things, luckily God is good my sister spoils them in everything, and she spoils me too, my brother would give them branded shoes that was given to him too, only the youngest would murmur because his feet is too small...Life is tough and it can get worse but a painful past can never help you from moving on... leave and bury your pain pray everyday.., my father ...my hero...my life...my sons